I write steamy romance and from time to time expect the crazies to come out of the woodwork. Many women on social media who don’t write romance also attract the odd personalities. We’ve come to expect it which is truly sad. Most of these I can handle and they’re completely harmless. Some, I file away in my “If I ever go missing folder.” Yes, the retired detective in me thinks every woman should keep track of some of the not so nice ones for safety sake.
But sometimes… just sometimes… it’s so hard to resist. Here’s a recent private message I received on social media copied and pasted in its entirety without edits which about killed me.
JACK MILLER 3 days ago
Hello Dear,How are you doing today? i will be glad if you consider this words of mine with passion and love,I saw your name and i get fascinated with it. I’m General Jack Miller, I live in London City in England. I’m a British Army and I’m working under United Nation.I am now in Pakistan waging war against terrorism and maintaining peace to humanity. I’m seeking for an honest and sincere woman for a meaningful relationship which will lead to marriage a woman whom i will call my wife. A good, and a caring woman. A woman that will take care of my son and Home for good and for better. This is my mail box: firstname.lastname@example.org Send me a mail so that i will send you more of my pictures and tell you more about myself. Take good care of yourself and have a wonderful day. I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks. Jack Miller
Okay Jack, lets break it down. Your punctuation, grammar, and verbiage are not English. Of course neither is mine. I’m American and suck at the King’s proper English. So do you Jack from London! I find it intriguing that you are fascinated with my name. Which one? I have four and even for me it gets confusing.
Next; you’re a British Army. I know they have more than one soldier but as a General you must think quite highly of yourself and consider yourself their army of one.
I also see you work under the United Nation in Pakistan waging war against terrorism. You sure are stuck on that number “one, as in nation” and I’m sure humanity strongly needs your super human power of one to defeat terrorism. Please take care of Isis first, they’re in your neck of the woods and shouldn’t be too hard to find.
Now please don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t dare call you dishonest, but really… an honest and sincere woman for a meaningful relationship which will lead to marriage so I may call you wife??? I have been called many names in my life but in this case I think wife might not have the same meaning I’ve become accustomed to. In your context it signifies possession. Maybe you need to watch the Exorcist. You kind of remind me of that evil demon who possessed that little girl but alas, that was fiction.
“A woman to take care of your son and home for good and for better.” Is this in the context of, “For better or for worse?” I have a feeling that caring for your son who most likely takes after his father, and also caring for your home, go into the “worse” category. But, that’s just me.
Just so you know Jack, I’m a fifty-three year old married, grandmother of ten and a retired police detective. During my law enforcement years I trained, and became certified as a Terrorist Liaison Officer. Boy could I have had a field day with your proposal if I had time to waste back then.
In short… I must decline your sincere offer. My husband is aware I’ve written a few ménage books but two men just isn’t his thing. I told him you were good looking in your picture and it still didn’t change his mind. I’ll dream of you though. I’m really good with a Glock, holy water, and sarcasm. Peace Jack Miller, I hope you find the perfect robot, and no, you can’t have my Roomba.